Doing the work...part one

Because I feel like there is a HUGE behavioral, emotional component to my overeating, I know that along the way, I have to do some work, or eventually, I will always go back to my old patterns.  The Beck Diet Solution by Judith Beck was recommended to me several years ago by a friend.  In college, we both carried a few extra pounds (no where near what I carry now).  She went on to lose weight, become an avid runner, keep her weight off.  I went on several diets, but always yo-yo'd back up with my weight.  She used the Beck Diet Solution.  This book is a series of assignments that you work through in order to change old behaviors and eating patterns.  The first step is creating  a list of reasons I want to lose weight.  For me personally, the biggest piece is that I want to feel better.  I always feel tired and run down, sore, fatigued.  Now, let's be honest, I'm carrying another person around on me which is going to leave me tired and worn out.  So, here's my list...subject to change depending upon what life throws my way.

1.  I'll feel better
2.  I'll be a more active mom.
3.  I'll look better.
4.  I'll be able to shop in "regular" stores for "regular" clothes (hello, why do they think that just because you are fat, you want to look like a 90 year old, without any fashion sense)
5. I'll be more attractive to my husband.  (who loves me anyway)
6.  I'll be more comfortable undressing in front of my husband.
7.  I won't feel so self conscious. (You can't imagine the things I don't do because of my weight)
8.  I'll be in better health.
9.  I'll be a more effective OT.  (Telling my patients, do as I say, don't do as I do)
10.  I'll live longer.  I don't want to leave my husband and children too soon because of bad decisions.
11.  I'll be able to exercise without discomfort or embaressment.
12.  I'll like myself more.
13.  I'll have more confidence.
14.  I'll increase my self esteem.
15.  I won't worry about what I eat in front of other people.
16.  I won't have anyone bugging me about my weight.
17.  My children will have a better role model for healthy living.
18.  I will feel like being more active.

So there's my starting list.  I'll likely add to it from time to time.  What's your reason for wanting to lose weight?  There's no wrong answer.  It's all about you and your priorities.

Climbing back on the wagon

So, I've resolved that it is indeed time for me to climb back on the paleo wagon.  So, here's my prep work in order to make this happen.  On Friday, I ventured to Whole Foods in search of a few treats.  I bought some Lara Bars for a quick and easy sweet snack, got some unsweetened almond milk.  Every Friday they have a sale on some type of meat and this week it was grass-fed ground beef for $4.99/lb.  So, I bought 5 lbs of ground beef.

Today, I have boiled 10 eggs and they are peeled and in the fridge for the week.  I've put together my salads for lunch for the next 3 days.  I've loaded my lunch box with lara bars, fruit leather, and will add in olives and fruit for snacks this week.  I've got water boiling on the stove right now that will become my unsweetened tea.

So, while I enjoy trying new recipes, most of my new recipes are delegated to weekends, so I can fix the basics during the week.  This weeks dinners will consist of chicken drumsticks with deviled eggs and fried green tomatoes, pork loin with radishes and crowder peas, ribs with green beans, chicken with red peppers and bok choy.  I may not get all of these made because we always have leftovers, but I have a plan in place and would rather plan for too much than not enough.

Probiotics

So, as mentioned, I've spent this week listening to pod casts from Underground Wellness.  I listened to 3 of the newer pod casts and then kicked it way back to the beginning and listened to his first 2 pod casts.  The November 18th, 2008 podcast featuring Reed Davis "It All Starts in the Gut", was very intriguing to me.  Reed works from a standpoint of functional medicine and often uses urine and stool testing to determine alkaline/acidity levels, various hormone levels, intestinal problems such as urine and parasites.  His webpage is www.bonesandhormones.com if you are interested in looking into him further.  I was pretty intrigued by the idea of these tests that you can have done.  I looked around google a little and I'm afraid they are way too pricey for my budget.  However, one of the things Reed talked about being beneficial was probiotics.  I have to admit that I'm a little embarressed that it hasn't occured to me to take a probiotic before now.  I often recommend that my patient's ask their MD's about taking probiotics, especially following rounds of antibiotics.  It's not like it something I haven't heard of, I guess, I just didn't relate the benefit back to me.

So, what are probiotics?  They are bacteria.   When we take courses of antibiotics or get sick with diarhhea, we lose bacteria in our intestines.  Sometimes, that's what we are trying to do.  Get rid of that bad bacteria that makes us feel bad.  But, our viruses and antibiotics don't distinguish the good and the bad bacteria, they just try to get rid of all of it.  Our intestines are meant to keep a certain amount of good bacteria, to build our immunity, to aide in the breakdown of food.  Bacteria is our friend!

So, yesterday, I went on a grand adventure to whole foods looking for a probiotic.  Who knew there were so many to choose from and they were so expensive?  I followed Reed's advice and got a probiotic with multiple strains of  bacteria and cultered in the billions (mine has 42 billion per capsule).  They have to be refrigerated because the bacteria will die slowly, particularly if warm.  And, I started taking them yesterday.  I take one/day on a full stomach.  I'll have to check back and let you know if I can tell a difference between my before and after.  It also seems logical to me that I shouldn't always need to take a probiotic.  When someone is healthy, fit, rarely sick, taking a probiotic once every few days or for 30 days on, 60 days off should be sufficient.  In my case, I figure I probably need a good 90 days before I take a break.

I am curious to see if there will be visible results from my little experiment.  I sure won't complain if it helps give me a little more energy and keeps me from getting sick as often.  Here, here!

Confessions

So, I started this blog as a way to try and help myself through this journey.  I'm trying to put everything "out there".  Part of the reason I have this weight issue is because of shame, fear of what others will think, feeling not good enough in anothers eyes.  Part of the shame means that I would hide my overeating, hide my emotions, hide my failures.  Trying to be strong and do what was expected by others instead of being true to myself has led me to live a life with depression and anxiety.  I was also diagnosed with PTSD after the end of my first marriage.  There is still so much stigma attached to mental illness, that it's hard for me to confess to the world.  The last two weeks, I have been on a downward trend with my mood.  I can feel the depression hanging over me like a dark cloud.  It makes it hard to connect with the world, hard to worry about what I'm eating.  I'm still having back pain, diagnosed as SI joint dysfunction.  I also had a positive reading for increase in white blood cells and bacteria in my urine.  

Personally, it's really difficult when pain keeps hanging on, to find a happy place.  I don't understand how people with chronic pain keep their heads held high.  In addition to the increase in pain, decrease in mood, I've completely fallen off the paleo wagon.  It's honestly, just not been my top priority.  I am putting all of my time and energy into getting by right now, getting out of bed and to work each day, managing with the kids at night.  I've thought that I might be getting a little better, but then it seems to kick back up and get worse again.  So, that's where I am right now.

I've almost reached my second 30 days of this journey.  I am officially still at 251 lbs.  I've probably been about 50/50 with paleo meals, so I consider this "not bad".  At least my weight hasn't skyrocketed and I haven't lost my first months gains.  I'm starting to get my head back into a good place and hoping to jump back on 100% really soon.

A friend told me about a couple of webpages you might want to check out.  One of them is Underground Wellness.  I had an old ipod I was trying to use to listen to the podcasts, but unfortunately, software updates wouldn't let me use my model. BUT, after nosing around some, I figured out how to download an app on my phone and I have begun listening to the Underground Wellness podcasts.  It seems like pretty good information, and I think it's a way to help keep me motivated.  I'll try to update you on some of my favorites as I listen to them.

So, what have I learned in the last 30 days?  I still have a lot to learn.  I still fall back into old habits when times get tough.  I still rely on food to help me feel better and feed my emotions.  I know that this is the path for me, because my failures have educated me as well.  Since falling off, I have had to use my rescue inhaler significantly more.  My swelling in my feet and hands are worse, and I have some stinky, painful gas.  All of this says to me, inflammation, inflammation, inflammation!!!  Especially with my asthma.

So, that's where I am.  I'm hoping to move towards sharing more information, book reviews, personal journey, and recipes/food ideas with you.  Since I am back to work full time and still have the babes and hubs in the evenings, my posts may be less regular, but will still be here!

Back to the basics...what do I eat?

So, paleo is supposed to be based upon the way our hunter/gatherer predecessors ate, assuming that our genetics have not been able to evolve as quickly as our eating habits, hence the increase in health issues and the increase in obesity.  Now, I understand the concept.  I took a single anthropology class in college,so I can't speak to the historical accuracy I do know that it wasn't that long ago that this was the primary eating style of most Native American tribes.  In a general internet research, there's a lot of arguments for and against the principle and history of paleo.  If you want more specifics, read Robb Wolfe's book, or some of Gary Taube's work.  Or, just google paleo books and pick one.

So, let's look at the do's and don'ts for paleo eating.

Don't eat:
  Grains
  Dairy
  Legumes (peanuts are a legume)
  Sweeteners
  Artificial ingredients

Do's:
Meat
Vegetables
Fruit

Basically, if you can grow it, pick it, or kill it, you can eat it.  But, there's a little more to it than that.  Paleo also focuses on the quality of the food being eaten.  So, whenever possible, the goal is to eat grass fed meats, local organic foods, keep foods as clean as possible, avoiding the antibiotics, hormones and all of the grain feeding that's prominent today to make our meats larger quicker.  It can seem a little overwhelming, but in truth, if you've ever had a eggs and bacon for breakfast, you've eaten a paleo meal.  If you've ever had a steak and vegetables for dinner, you've eaten a paleo meal.  So, I try to rotate a lot of meals and will try to share some of those meals with you, the standard ones and some new recipes I will be trying.

The effects of stress

My weight loss on Paleo got off on a very slow start.  The first couple of weeks were slow going and it actually wasn't until I went on vacation that I dropped a pretty significant amount of weight (about 5 of my 13 lbs).  Since returning home, my weight loss has again slowed.  I'm trying to weigh no more than once each week but I weighed this morning and in the last 5 days, I am down 2/10 of a pound.  Now we all know that could just be the difference in a sneeze when I climbed out of bed.  So, I was thinking that I think part of my problem is stress.  In Robb Wolfe's book, "The Paleo Solution", he says even if you are eating all of the right foods, stress and lack of sleep can prevent weight loss.  I've already spoken to my sleep, which isn't the best.  But, I think I'm doing the best with it that I can right now.  I certainly live in a world of too much stress though.  Unfortunately, most weeks are spent just trying to get through the week.  Monday through Friday are non-stop.  And weekends aren't much better.  I have to work full time to pay the bills, so cutting back on work isn't an option.  As far as home is concerned, I have a wonderful husband who helps me so much.  I'd hate to see what my house would look like without his help, because truthfully, he's the one who sweeps the floor and does the dishes almost every night.  I found myself consistently so unhappy at my last job that I finally made a switch six months ago.  I'm definitely happier with my new job, although there was a serious adjustment period.  Change is never easy (at least I don't think so).  I still put too much into my job.  I really find it hard not to.  I'm an occupational therapist in home health, and I can tell you that the people I see every day are exponentially in worse shape than I am.  So, I know I've got to work on my work balance, my boundaries with patients.  I also know that somehow I need to find some time for myself and some time for me and my husband.  Unlike many others, we don't have close family support.  I think we've had 3 dates since our oldest was born 3.5 years ago.  We are pretty much on our own, always, and it gets hard.  See, everyone tells you about the joys of motherhood, and believe me, there are joys.  But what's seldom talked about are the sacrifices and how difficult motherhood can be.  It is a 24 hour job.  As I'm attempting to type, I have an 18 month old climbing on top o me.  Nothing is simple anymore.  I'm not sure what kind of changes I can make to decrease my stress, but I think it's time to start looking for a solution.

Falling off the wagon and going boom!

So, I hurt my back this weekend.  Nothing major, I didn't even go to the doctor.  I just overdid it working outside on Saturday, didn't listen to my body on Sunday and did some more.  By Sunday afternoon, my back was in aching spasms.  I took some ibuprofen and aleve, applied heat and tried to rest.  It's feeling better today, still sore but not so much painful.  So, what does this have to do with a blog about food?  Well, for me it has everything to do with a blog about food.  Why?  Because I use food to deal with things that I don't know how to otherwise deal with; emotions, fatigue, and...you guessed it, pain.  So, I took what was otherwise a good weekend from a food perspective and when my husband offered to buy dinner Sunday night, I threw paleo and all that it's done for me out the window.  I had fried mushrooms and a veggie stromboli.  And, it was good!  Now, if that's where I stopped, it wouldn't be so bad, but after finagling for what felt like forever to get my kids to sleep, I went for a cupcake and ice cream (thanks to my husband that these things are in the house).  I got up this morning, determined to get things back together and had some sausage and applesauce for breakfast, a nice salad with chicken breast for lunch.  Then comes dinner.  My mom was traveling through so I met her for dinner at Cracker Barrel.  Now, as far as paleo goes, its not the best option, but it's a long way from the worst.  I'm hooked on their grilled chicken tenderloins, but couldn't resist ordering some fried apples and hashbrown casserole.  I rounded the whole thing off with 2 biscuits.  I refuse to beat myself up over this, and I fully intend to "hop back on the wagon" tomorrow morning (actually tonight, no more bad snacks), but what I realized is how easily I could slip back into my old patterns.  I read somewhere that it takes about 3 weeks to form a new habit.  That's as scientific as I'm going to get because I'm not up for researching it right now...so you get an "I read this somewhere, sometime, maybe?".  So, theoretically following my 30 day challenge some of my old habits should be broken.  But for me, my self sabotaging ways are lying in wait.  They might get easier to control, but I'm not sure they will ever go away.  I don't think I will ever be able to not think about what I'm eating.  And, maybe that's ok.  Maybe, some day I can find a way to make it work to my advantage.

30 Day Challenge Results

Sunday officially ended my first 30 days of paleo.  I wanted to share with you the ups, downs, and results. So, I'll start with what everyone looks for...results:  I have lost 13 lbs since beginning my paleo journey.  I'm pretty stoked about this, didn't expect that amount.  I didn't take measurements prior to beginning my new lifestyle, so I can't provide an update on inches lost.  I haven't hit the point of dropping a clothing size yet, but I can definitely tell a difference in the fit of my clothing.  Clothes fit more loosely and more comfortably, but for now, I'm still holding on to my size 22 clothing.  So, how has the last month been?  Well, it's not been as difficult as I thought it might be.  I find that I actually do better with a do and don't list of foods instead of counting calories or points.  Now, I know that's not true for everyone.  There are people who as soon as you say, don't eat refined sugar...that's all they want; hershey's, candy, cake, etc.  But, I think I've approached this transition a little differently than in the past.  I am allowing myself to make mistakes, it's ok if things don't go perfectly.  I'm trying, I won't let my one mistake turn into "Oh, well, I might as well eat this pizza since I slipped and had that muffin this morning."  I'm trying to take my own advice about self judgement and be a little kinder to myself.  It's not about perfection, it's about doing better, feeling better, making progress.  I saw something that said it doesn't matter how slow you are moving as long as you are making progress.  There's some truth in that.  I know at this point I am making forward progress.  The biggest challenge for me was giving up the sodas.  I've already written about that.  I finally feel I have control over my soda cravings.  I even bought a Dr Pepper yesterday.  Took 2 sips (probably 2 or 3 ounces) and threw the rest away.  Again, it's not perfection, but that's definitely some progress.  It's only the second soda I've purchased since starting Paleo and that's pretty impressive to me.  I expected it to be difficult to give up dairy, but that transition hasn't been too bad.  I love drinking milk but have transitioned to almond milk without much issue.  I drink lots of water and do lots of meal planning.  That's probably one of the most difficult adjustments for me is taking time to plan my meals, leaving a meal until last minute is like asking for disaster.  And in my small town, Lara bars, almond butter, and even many fresh vegetables aren't available so a grocery trip to a health food store in Greensboro is required.  So, I'm getting adjusted.  I even turned down yeast rolls from Logan's at a work dinner last night.  Steak, veggies, and a salad doesn't sound too bad, right?

July 2013- 264 lbs

 August 2013-251 lbs

Sleepy dust

So, paleo isn't just about food.  It's about stress and...sleep.  Let me tell you, I am a girl who loves my sleep.  My mom used to joke that I could go to sleep anywhere, and a part of me is still like that today.  I prefer a dark, cool room free of noise and distraction, but get me tired enough and I will go out like a light.  I guess I'm lucky in that I've never been one who has a lot of trouble going to sleep.  Typically, I can fall asleep pretty quickly.  Even if I am a little distracted, a chapter in a book and I will be out, but despite this, I don't get enough sleep.  See, I have these two little miniature people who like to keep me from sleeping.  I have a three year old that still doesn't sleep through the night.  On a good night, she just wakes once for something to drink.  Other nights, she has active dreams and is calling out in her sleep.  My 18 month old sleeps better, but is still nursing and wakes whenever her sister wakes up.  Throw in allergies with coughs, teething, and just bad nights, and this momma doesn't get much rest.  On vacation last week, there was a night when I only got 3 hours of sleep.  The 18 month old was sick and I didn't get her down for a good sleep until after 5am.  The 3 year old was up at about 7:45.  But, this is life.  This is my reality.  And, I know that some day I will miss parts of this reality.  It already amazes me how quickly my girls are growing up.  Paleo recommends getting 8 to 9 hours of sleep every night, not waking up with an alarm clock, but as the sun comes up and you wake naturally.  That sounds fantastic!  Unfortunately, for me, it's not feasible.  So, here's what I can do and what I choose to do.  No more staying up late for no real reason, set a bedtime and stick to it.  Keep a regular bedtime routine both for myself and for my girls.  Keep the bedroom dark, free of electronics (can't get my husband to let go of that pesky TV in the bedroom, but can keep it off), quiet, and relaxing.  So, for those who have trouble sleeping, what is it that keeps you up?  My husband is one who starts making to-do lists when he lays down at night.  It often keeps him up for some time.  There are ways to let go of those things, make a written list, do some deep breathing, count sheep (hey, sometimes the monotony works!), or do some relaxation exercises.  I have practiced some relaxation techniques before going to bed in the past.  There is one where you start at your feet, clinching the muscles tightly and letting go, working your way up to your head, with the goal being that you fall asleep before reaching your head.  There's a similar practice of focusing on each body part and imagining it getting heavier and heavier until it sinks into the mattress.  This one is also intended to start at the feet and work up to the head with the goal being to fall asleep before finishing.  How do you do it?  Do you need to unwind before going to bed, or can you just "hit the sack"?

Self judgement

I saw a facebook post recently where a mom was being rough on herself for needing a c-section instead of having a natural birth.  It made me start thinking about how we think about ourselves, the judgement we place on ourselves compared to others.  I try not to place judgement on others.  I feel like we can't say what it is we would or wouldn't do until we walk a mile in another's shoes.  There was a time in my life I would have been homeless if it hadn't been for the grace of my family, with support from my parents church.  It wasn't because I was lazy, or didn't care.  It was because of a series of bad decisions.  And, as Maya Angelou says, "When you know better, you do better".  So here's the thing, I would never look at a woman and tell her she is less than because she had to have a c-section, can't breastfeed, etc.  And yet, when I had to be induced with my first daughter, I felt like I should have done something different, like the mothers that were able to wait for natural birth were "better than" me.  It's really amazing how cruel we can be to ourselves.  As a mother, I'm always wondering if I am making the right choices, wondering if I am good enough.  What I do know is that I love my girls and I'm doing my best for them.  The same self judgement is true related to other aspects of life, specifically, in my case, related to my weight.  I would never look at a woman who is obese and think, "What's wrong with her?  Why can't she just stop eating?  She must be a lazy slob."  Never, ever would I place that judgement on someone else, and yet I've said those things to myself time and time again.  Perhaps, we should start trying to treat ourselves with the kindness we grant others, with more compassion, less judgement.  Perhaps, if we could do this, we will not only be happier and even healthier, but we will revolutionize the attitudes of our daughters so that they will feel strong and empowered instead of feeling like they are "less than".

Sodas as addictive as cocaine?

So, I saw an article on facebook the other day, that I didn't hold on to, talking about how addictive high fructose corn syrup is.  This particular study was looking at rat's behavior and I can't find that information, but I did find some other articles that I will share with you.  I know there are people who can have a soda on occasion and step away from it without a problem.  I am not that person.  I will go out of my way to get my hands on a soda.  When it wasn't regular, it was diet.  It didn't matter that it didn't really taste that good, it was something I just had to have.  The more stressed I was, the more tired I was, the more I wanted a soda to drink.  Sounds like an addiction, huh?  I've tried giving up soda before only to crash and burn!  I even tried giving soda up for lent 2 years ago and failed.  How does that feel?  As a symbol of what Jesus gave up for you on the cross, you give up something for 6 weeks and I couldn't do it.  So, transitioning to paleo and giving up sodas was a HUGE deal for me.  But, I did it.  I stepped away from sodas and I'm trying not to look back.  I stopped one day and had a 12oz Dr Pepper.  It made me nauseated for about an hour.  For me, like an addict, I can't touch a soda.  I feel like if I do, I'll be back to drinking several a day in no time.  Anyone else struggle with soda's like this?

Could drinking coke be more addictive than snorting it?

Diet soda as bad for teeth as meth?

HCFS as addictive as cocaine

So, how did I finally do it?  A lot of willpower, a lot of water, and a lot of tea!  My husband jokes about how much tea I have been drinking, but it's almost unsweet (1/4 cup of sugar/gallon) and I need something to drink other than water.  I'll eventually move to completely unsweet tea, but right now it's still just a little too bitter.  I've just started drinking some hot tea again this week too.  I had forgotten how much I enjoy a good cup of hot tea.  Bengal Spice is one of my favorites, along with blueberry green tea, and jasmine.

Why now?

So, the other question that comes to mind is why now?  What's different?  While working on my walking, I started having pains in my legs, down the outside of the calf.  I ultimately decided my shoes were possibly to blame and decided I needed some help getting some new shoes.  I went to a store called Off'n Running in Greensboro to get some help fitting my shoes.  Now, please understand the courage I had to work up just to go into a running store at my size and ask for help.  I've got to give props to the store and the guy who helped me.  He was kind and professional and never once made me feel like I shouldn't have been looking for shoes there.  What I learned that day is that instead of pronating my feet, like most people do, I supinate and walk on the outside edges of my feet.  Because I had high arches, I've always looked for shoes with a big arch support.  By doing this, I was pushing my feet out even further to the side, causing an excessive stretch on the muscles and causing the pain.  We went through a variety of shoes and I ended up with a Brooks Dyad 7 shoe.  It's probably the most comfortable pair of tennis shoes I've had in years.  So, what does all of this have to do with starting Paleo?  As part of the process to figure out what kind of shoes I needed, I walked to the front of the store and back and the guy working there videotaped me.  We were looking at my walking pattern, which is seriously messed up.  Instead of bending my knees and pushing off like a typical gait pattern, I use a very atypical pattern that is almost like I'm ice skating or gliding.  My feet are turned outward (which I actually already knew).  When I watched myself walking that day, I knew that it was time.  It's strange how you know that there's a problem, but then one day, you see something in a picture, a video, the mirror that gives you a wake up call.  You'd think that my high blood pressure and asthma would have been enough to kick me in the butt, but no, it was watching how my body moved when I walked and how much dysfunction there was there.  So, that's my story...how about you?  what's inspired you to make healthy changes?

Paleo?

So, I started feeling a little encouraged as I started drinking more water, cutting back on diet sodas, and going for my "no expectations" walks.  I knew I wanted to be able to do something more, but I wasn't sure what.  I knew weight watchers wasn't right for me.  It's a great program, helped a lot of people, but I had just tried it.  I have never really had any interest in the food programs where you order you weekly supply of frozen meals.  Ugh!  I'm sure they work, but again, not for me.  I wanted something that focused on real food, on foods with less processing, and on health.  Over the years, I've had 2 or 3 doctors recommend some form of carb restricting.  There is the South Beach diet, the Atkins, and I'm sure others.  Those were the two diets I was familiar with.  I had tried South Beach a couple of times, never managed to stick past the first phase.  As soon as I started the second phase, I would return to my old ways.  At this point, I had heard of Paleo but didn't really know anything about it.  I began my search by looking on Amazon for paleo books.  I found a copy of Robb Wolf's "The Paleo Solution".  I started by getting a free sample.  It was enough to interest me, but I still wasn't ready.  I wasn't even ready to commit to purchasing the book.  A couple of weeks later, I got an email from a friend, whom I met at weight watchers, saying that weight watchers wasn't working for her.  She stated that her and her family would be trying Paleo.  She sent a couple of links to food lists.  Somehow, this seemed like a sign to me.  What were the chances of looking into a "diet" only to have someone else suggest the same thing.  I looked over her food list and made the commitment to try eating Paleo for 30 days.  I don't imagine I could be in any worse shape at the end of those 30 days.  And, if it didn't work after 30 days, I can say goodbye.   I began my Paleo journey on July 26th.

How I got to where I am now

So, I wish that I could explain to you simply how I ended up where I am now.  Of course, the simplest explanation is eating too much of the wrong foods, but there's a much longer story here.  I was a very fit 5'5", 135 lbs all the way through high school.  I ran indoor and outdoor track and played tennis.  My mom who had always been really small made me feel like I was really overweight and I was super self conscious of my body.  My mom is 5'2" and weighed 105 lbs until after her 3rd child.  I grew up in a family where we didn't express our emotions, where a child was "to be seen, not heard".  I think this is largely what came back to bite me in the butt, or expand my butt in the future.  I married at 19 because I was "in love" and thought it was what I was supposed to do.  After all, good girls waited to have sex and absolutely didn't live with anyone before getting married.  Unfortunately, I saw the good in everyone, and too much good in my ex.  It turned out he was an alcoholic (what did I know, I didn't drink).  He was a sloppy drunk, a mean drunk, and didn't know how to contribute to a household or finances, or any aspect of the relationship.  We stayed together for 2 1/2 years through his ups and downs, throwing furniture, punching holes in walls, separating me from my family, and tearing me apart one comment at a time, until the night he grabbed me by both arms, shaking me like a ragdoll.  I covered the bruises on my arms and sent him packing the next morning.  His last words to me were that I was a "f***ing b**ch".  I still loved him enough to offer and let him come back, and he said he was coming.  I waited all day for him to show up.  He didn't even bother to call.  I called him and he said he wasn't coming.  During those couple of years, and the couple after, I gained to 190 lbs.  My mom said she didn't hardly recognize me at one visit where I had put on so much weight.  It took me a year to get my head on straight, but I read a book called "Protein Power" by Michael and Mary Dan Eades.  I started following their eating plan, working out and returned to 150 lbs.  I was a pretty solid 150, wearing a size 10 and was happy with my size and health.  During college, my weight went back up, so after graduation i joined weight watchers and puked it back down again to about 155.  By the time i got married 3 years later, I was back up to 175.  I continued yo yoing.  As my depression would get worse, I would gain weight.  I maxed out in 2009 at 255 lbs before talking to my doc and going on prescription appetite suppressants.  2 months later, I was pregnant with the child I was told I couldn't have.  I watched my weight through pregnancy but still went up to 282 before delivering.  However, after having my daughter, I quickly dropped to 240.  By watching calories and using myfitnesspal, I dropped to 210.  I felt better than I had in years.  We tried for another baby and quickly became pregnant.  Unfortunately that pregnancy ended in miscarriage and my inability to deal with my emotions caused me to spin into a binging frenzy.  I found myself pregnant again just 2 weeks after my miscarriage and ate my way back up to 278 by the time daughter #2 delivered.  I expected my weight to fall off again but it didn't.  A combination of stress from multiple life changing events and an inability to deal left me at my heaviest non pregnancy weight of 267 lbs.  I joined weight watchers and over 6 weeks lost 5 lbs.  I was eating a lot more processed foods and felt hungry all the time.  I knew pretty quickly it wasn't the path for me.  I quit weight watchers and  I immediately put back on 3 of the lbs I had lost.  I started trying to make small changes on my own, drinking more water, going for short walks without judgment about my distance.  I started looking for solutions again.  There are those out there who will understand my years of struggle with my weight, and those that will wonder why I didn't just stop eating so much.  There are many reasons, I'm an emotional eater, a stress eater, I am a food addict, I just really like "bad" foods.  But I am trying, and as long as there is progress, no matter how slow, it counts.