So, I started this blog as a way to try and help myself through this journey. I'm trying to put everything "out there". Part of the reason I have this weight issue is because of shame, fear of what others will think, feeling not good enough in anothers eyes. Part of the shame means that I would hide my overeating, hide my emotions, hide my failures. Trying to be strong and do what was expected by others instead of being true to myself has led me to live a life with depression and anxiety. I was also diagnosed with PTSD after the end of my first marriage. There is still so much stigma attached to mental illness, that it's hard for me to confess to the world. The last two weeks, I have been on a downward trend with my mood. I can feel the depression hanging over me like a dark cloud. It makes it hard to connect with the world, hard to worry about what I'm eating. I'm still having back pain, diagnosed as SI joint dysfunction. I also had a positive reading for increase in white blood cells and bacteria in my urine.
Personally, it's really difficult when pain keeps hanging on, to find a happy place. I don't understand how people with chronic pain keep their heads held high. In addition to the increase in pain, decrease in mood, I've completely fallen off the paleo wagon. It's honestly, just not been my top priority. I am putting all of my time and energy into getting by right now, getting out of bed and to work each day, managing with the kids at night. I've thought that I might be getting a little better, but then it seems to kick back up and get worse again. So, that's where I am right now.
I've almost reached my second 30 days of this journey. I am officially still at 251 lbs. I've probably been about 50/50 with paleo meals, so I consider this "not bad". At least my weight hasn't skyrocketed and I haven't lost my first months gains. I'm starting to get my head back into a good place and hoping to jump back on 100% really soon.
A friend told me about a couple of webpages you might want to check out. One of them is Underground Wellness. I had an old ipod I was trying to use to listen to the podcasts, but unfortunately, software updates wouldn't let me use my model. BUT, after nosing around some, I figured out how to download an app on my phone and I have begun listening to the Underground Wellness podcasts. It seems like pretty good information, and I think it's a way to help keep me motivated. I'll try to update you on some of my favorites as I listen to them.
So, what have I learned in the last 30 days? I still have a lot to learn. I still fall back into old habits when times get tough. I still rely on food to help me feel better and feed my emotions. I know that this is the path for me, because my failures have educated me as well. Since falling off, I have had to use my rescue inhaler significantly more. My swelling in my feet and hands are worse, and I have some stinky, painful gas. All of this says to me, inflammation, inflammation, inflammation!!! Especially with my asthma.
So, that's where I am. I'm hoping to move towards sharing more information, book reviews, personal journey, and recipes/food ideas with you. Since I am back to work full time and still have the babes and hubs in the evenings, my posts may be less regular, but will still be here!
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