Doing the work...part one

Because I feel like there is a HUGE behavioral, emotional component to my overeating, I know that along the way, I have to do some work, or eventually, I will always go back to my old patterns.  The Beck Diet Solution by Judith Beck was recommended to me several years ago by a friend.  In college, we both carried a few extra pounds (no where near what I carry now).  She went on to lose weight, become an avid runner, keep her weight off.  I went on several diets, but always yo-yo'd back up with my weight.  She used the Beck Diet Solution.  This book is a series of assignments that you work through in order to change old behaviors and eating patterns.  The first step is creating  a list of reasons I want to lose weight.  For me personally, the biggest piece is that I want to feel better.  I always feel tired and run down, sore, fatigued.  Now, let's be honest, I'm carrying another person around on me which is going to leave me tired and worn out.  So, here's my list...subject to change depending upon what life throws my way.

1.  I'll feel better
2.  I'll be a more active mom.
3.  I'll look better.
4.  I'll be able to shop in "regular" stores for "regular" clothes (hello, why do they think that just because you are fat, you want to look like a 90 year old, without any fashion sense)
5. I'll be more attractive to my husband.  (who loves me anyway)
6.  I'll be more comfortable undressing in front of my husband.
7.  I won't feel so self conscious. (You can't imagine the things I don't do because of my weight)
8.  I'll be in better health.
9.  I'll be a more effective OT.  (Telling my patients, do as I say, don't do as I do)
10.  I'll live longer.  I don't want to leave my husband and children too soon because of bad decisions.
11.  I'll be able to exercise without discomfort or embaressment.
12.  I'll like myself more.
13.  I'll have more confidence.
14.  I'll increase my self esteem.
15.  I won't worry about what I eat in front of other people.
16.  I won't have anyone bugging me about my weight.
17.  My children will have a better role model for healthy living.
18.  I will feel like being more active.

So there's my starting list.  I'll likely add to it from time to time.  What's your reason for wanting to lose weight?  There's no wrong answer.  It's all about you and your priorities.

Climbing back on the wagon

So, I've resolved that it is indeed time for me to climb back on the paleo wagon.  So, here's my prep work in order to make this happen.  On Friday, I ventured to Whole Foods in search of a few treats.  I bought some Lara Bars for a quick and easy sweet snack, got some unsweetened almond milk.  Every Friday they have a sale on some type of meat and this week it was grass-fed ground beef for $4.99/lb.  So, I bought 5 lbs of ground beef.

Today, I have boiled 10 eggs and they are peeled and in the fridge for the week.  I've put together my salads for lunch for the next 3 days.  I've loaded my lunch box with lara bars, fruit leather, and will add in olives and fruit for snacks this week.  I've got water boiling on the stove right now that will become my unsweetened tea.

So, while I enjoy trying new recipes, most of my new recipes are delegated to weekends, so I can fix the basics during the week.  This weeks dinners will consist of chicken drumsticks with deviled eggs and fried green tomatoes, pork loin with radishes and crowder peas, ribs with green beans, chicken with red peppers and bok choy.  I may not get all of these made because we always have leftovers, but I have a plan in place and would rather plan for too much than not enough.

Probiotics

So, as mentioned, I've spent this week listening to pod casts from Underground Wellness.  I listened to 3 of the newer pod casts and then kicked it way back to the beginning and listened to his first 2 pod casts.  The November 18th, 2008 podcast featuring Reed Davis "It All Starts in the Gut", was very intriguing to me.  Reed works from a standpoint of functional medicine and often uses urine and stool testing to determine alkaline/acidity levels, various hormone levels, intestinal problems such as urine and parasites.  His webpage is www.bonesandhormones.com if you are interested in looking into him further.  I was pretty intrigued by the idea of these tests that you can have done.  I looked around google a little and I'm afraid they are way too pricey for my budget.  However, one of the things Reed talked about being beneficial was probiotics.  I have to admit that I'm a little embarressed that it hasn't occured to me to take a probiotic before now.  I often recommend that my patient's ask their MD's about taking probiotics, especially following rounds of antibiotics.  It's not like it something I haven't heard of, I guess, I just didn't relate the benefit back to me.

So, what are probiotics?  They are bacteria.   When we take courses of antibiotics or get sick with diarhhea, we lose bacteria in our intestines.  Sometimes, that's what we are trying to do.  Get rid of that bad bacteria that makes us feel bad.  But, our viruses and antibiotics don't distinguish the good and the bad bacteria, they just try to get rid of all of it.  Our intestines are meant to keep a certain amount of good bacteria, to build our immunity, to aide in the breakdown of food.  Bacteria is our friend!

So, yesterday, I went on a grand adventure to whole foods looking for a probiotic.  Who knew there were so many to choose from and they were so expensive?  I followed Reed's advice and got a probiotic with multiple strains of  bacteria and cultered in the billions (mine has 42 billion per capsule).  They have to be refrigerated because the bacteria will die slowly, particularly if warm.  And, I started taking them yesterday.  I take one/day on a full stomach.  I'll have to check back and let you know if I can tell a difference between my before and after.  It also seems logical to me that I shouldn't always need to take a probiotic.  When someone is healthy, fit, rarely sick, taking a probiotic once every few days or for 30 days on, 60 days off should be sufficient.  In my case, I figure I probably need a good 90 days before I take a break.

I am curious to see if there will be visible results from my little experiment.  I sure won't complain if it helps give me a little more energy and keeps me from getting sick as often.  Here, here!

Confessions

So, I started this blog as a way to try and help myself through this journey.  I'm trying to put everything "out there".  Part of the reason I have this weight issue is because of shame, fear of what others will think, feeling not good enough in anothers eyes.  Part of the shame means that I would hide my overeating, hide my emotions, hide my failures.  Trying to be strong and do what was expected by others instead of being true to myself has led me to live a life with depression and anxiety.  I was also diagnosed with PTSD after the end of my first marriage.  There is still so much stigma attached to mental illness, that it's hard for me to confess to the world.  The last two weeks, I have been on a downward trend with my mood.  I can feel the depression hanging over me like a dark cloud.  It makes it hard to connect with the world, hard to worry about what I'm eating.  I'm still having back pain, diagnosed as SI joint dysfunction.  I also had a positive reading for increase in white blood cells and bacteria in my urine.  

Personally, it's really difficult when pain keeps hanging on, to find a happy place.  I don't understand how people with chronic pain keep their heads held high.  In addition to the increase in pain, decrease in mood, I've completely fallen off the paleo wagon.  It's honestly, just not been my top priority.  I am putting all of my time and energy into getting by right now, getting out of bed and to work each day, managing with the kids at night.  I've thought that I might be getting a little better, but then it seems to kick back up and get worse again.  So, that's where I am right now.

I've almost reached my second 30 days of this journey.  I am officially still at 251 lbs.  I've probably been about 50/50 with paleo meals, so I consider this "not bad".  At least my weight hasn't skyrocketed and I haven't lost my first months gains.  I'm starting to get my head back into a good place and hoping to jump back on 100% really soon.

A friend told me about a couple of webpages you might want to check out.  One of them is Underground Wellness.  I had an old ipod I was trying to use to listen to the podcasts, but unfortunately, software updates wouldn't let me use my model. BUT, after nosing around some, I figured out how to download an app on my phone and I have begun listening to the Underground Wellness podcasts.  It seems like pretty good information, and I think it's a way to help keep me motivated.  I'll try to update you on some of my favorites as I listen to them.

So, what have I learned in the last 30 days?  I still have a lot to learn.  I still fall back into old habits when times get tough.  I still rely on food to help me feel better and feed my emotions.  I know that this is the path for me, because my failures have educated me as well.  Since falling off, I have had to use my rescue inhaler significantly more.  My swelling in my feet and hands are worse, and I have some stinky, painful gas.  All of this says to me, inflammation, inflammation, inflammation!!!  Especially with my asthma.

So, that's where I am.  I'm hoping to move towards sharing more information, book reviews, personal journey, and recipes/food ideas with you.  Since I am back to work full time and still have the babes and hubs in the evenings, my posts may be less regular, but will still be here!